10 Tips for a Fantastic Run

Did I say "fantastic?"  What I meant was "craptastic."

Because that's how my run went yesterday.  At least I could glean a blog post from my less-than-stellar run.  Without further ado...my 10 tips for a craptastic fantastic run:

 

Tip 1: Bring along your 19 month old in a jogging stroller if you are looking to have the slowest time ever recorded in history.  In fact, I'm pretty sure that if I had been sitting in the stroller and LG was pushing me, it may have gone faster since he has a lot more energy.

Tip 2: Also bring your slug of a Labrador Retriever to add that extra "time suck".  She would prefer to be laying on top of the ac vent, but I thought it'd be good for her to get some exercise (at my expense.)

Tip 3: Pick a super-convenient time to go on your run.  Say...around dinner.  Your toddler will definitely be in a great mood.  Not cranky at all!

Tip 4: Carbo-load the healthy way on things like diet soda, chocolate chip pancakes and leftover jambalaya to give your fingers that smoked sausage vibe from all the sodium.

Tip 5: Don't you love it when your mouth feels like the Sahara while you run?  This is an easy thing to achieve!  Make sure you fail to drink any water during the day.  This will give you cotton mouth which is an absolute must while running.  Very comfortable.

Tip 6: Shod your child in loose-fitting shoes of the "slip-on" variety so that he is able to easily remove them and throw them along the trail.  This will ensure you are stopping many times to pick them up along the way, thus adding to your already awesome pace.

Tip 7: It's best if your dog takes about 7 dumps along the way.  It doesn't matter that she's already gone twice that day...running just brings out the poops.  It's also helpful if you only bring 2 plastic baggies along.  That way all of your neighbors who are using the trail will be able to direct their sneers at your irresponsibility. 

Tip 8: Be sure to leave your Garmin at home.  You know...the thing that tells you how long you've been running, how far you need to go, when your hellish run might be over.

Tip 9: Pick a route that goes directly in front of your child's favorite playground that you always stop to play at.  Except this time.

Tip 10: And listen up because this is important!  Choose to go back the exact same way.  Very smart.  Tease your child again with the disappearing playground because it's the only route you know the proper length of by heart (see tip 8).  Wait for meltdown.

Well folks...that should do it.  Follow these 10 tips and you, too, can have a completely crappy run.  

On a positive note...we didn't have to make any stops while Dogshoe peed because she prefers to do that while running.  That's right...no need to stop in the grass.  Just go on the move.  On the sidewalk.  On the deck.  On the driveway.  Wherever.  Rarely in the grass, though.  Hmmmm.

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