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Before jumping into this riveting story, I'd like to apologize to all two of my fans for my lack of blogging lately. What with all the cooking, cleaning, dog walking and raising of America's future I've been doing (i.e. Little Gumshoe), I haven't had time to entertain my sisters (my two fans).
Here's the story of how running an errand turned into my immediate need to take a bleach bath and begin raising my son in a bubble for the rest of his life:
As we enter 4th quarter, Gumshoe begins his undercover shifts at the mall. I know...it's a really glamorous gig, but somebody has to do it. Think Paul Blart, but in plain clothes and without the Segway. Anywho, these shifts typically run late and in order to get more family face time, I decided to purchase Little Gumshoe's Halloween costume at the mall. Run an errand, visit Gumshoe...it's a win win. Now, I haven't spent much time at the mall since I was a teenager and when I go these days, I stay in the Nordstrom's vicinity. Turns out that's the best idea!
First stop: J.C. Penney. I noticed Carter's costumes there a while back and figured we'd take a look. Upon inspection, the costumes were cute and reasonably priced. I mean, LG won't remember and he goes to bed at 7 anyway, so I don't want to spend a lot of money on something he will cry about the second we put him in it. There was a cute dinosaur costume but before we pulled the trigger on it, I wanted to check out Halloween Express, or what I will now refer to as the 7th level of hell. What a creepy store with creepy employees. You know, the kind of people that absolutely LIVE for October 31st. The ones that do the part-time gigs at the haunted houses and well, Halloween Express. I think they call them Warlocks? Conjurors? Sorcerers? World of War craft fanatics? Dorks? Anyway, about 2 seconds after stepping into the store, we wanted to RUN back to the cuddly dinosaur costume. After searching the store for the baby section and being visually accosted by the dirty nurse and skanky she-cop costumes, we came across a lovable baby devil costume. Or how about the ever-popular baby zombie? Or my personal favorite...the creepy baby with the toy knife in his hand. Umm, no! There was, however, a T-Rex costume and a cute monster costume that would suffice. Unfortunately, they were $50 each. Really, 7th level of hell? Your costumes are packaged in what amounts to a trash bag with a plastic hook. No! We'll take the cuddly dino for $20, please.
On our way back to the dino costume, I thought it would be nice to stop and get some pretzel bites. You see, I'm on a health kick. And by health kick I mean that I eat M&Ms for breakfast and don't do any exercise. I'll get back into my routine, but first...pretzel bites. I approach the 17 yr. old kid behind the counter at the Auntie Annie's kiosk and request my regular pretzel bites with cheese sauce and a Diet Coke.
17 yr. old: The regular bites?
Me: Yes, please.
17 yr. old: Umm...ok (said rather pensively)
He grabs a diet coke for me and checks on the status of my pretzels
17 yr old to co-worker: Umm...this lady wants pretzel bites, but we don't have any
Co-worker: It'll be a little while. See if she wants a regular pretzel
17 yr. old: Do you want a regular pretzel instead?
Me: Isn't the regular pretzel $2 less than the pretzel bites?
17 yr. old: Umm, yeah.
Me: So I'd be paying $2 more for something I could get for less while still not getting what I want?
17 yr. old: Umm, yeah, I guess.
Me: No. No that doesn't sound like a good idea to me. Actually, that sounds like a terrible idea.
17 yr. old: Do you still want your diet coke?
Me: Well, yes. (Gumshoe is currently sipping on said diet coke while entertaining LG)
17 yr. old: Proceeds to pour me a new diet coke
Me: You already got me one
17 yr. old: Well, do you want to pay for both?
Me: No! No! Why would I want to pay for both? That's another terrible idea! I'll pay for one. The one I asked for.
17 yr. old: Umm...ok. That will be $1.65.
Gumshoe and I walked away in a stupor. Are kids really that dumb these days? The transcript didn't do the exchange justice. Re-read it with lots more "umms" and awkward pauses and imagine a really blank look on the teenager's face. It made me want to immediately enroll LG into the nearest Toastmasters club. I don't care if he can't form a sentence yet.
I had my diet coke fix, but was still in need of my pretzel bites. Fortunately, Gumshoe knows his way around a mall, so we took the quickest route to the next pretzel shop. On our way, we passed by another annoying kiosk. Have you seen the one with the guy in front smoking the fake cigarette? It really catches you off guard at first. I mean, it must be fake but your first thought is to tackle him to the ground for being so ignorant by smoking inside. Even when you realize it's fake, you're still mad at him for making you mad in the first place. As I approach the kiosk, 11 month old in my arms, the dude offers me a fake cigarette. NO! No, I don't want a fake cigarette that blows fake smoke. Do I look like I want a fake cigarette? As I politely say "no", he responds "keep it real". What? What does that even mean? Keep it real? You're selling a fake cigarette!
Finally! We enter the promised land. The land of Panda Express and Sbarro. The land of my pretzel bites. I place my order for a cup of sodium-laden-half-baked-grease-dough...I mean pretzel bites (with nacho cheese)...and relax with my Big Gumshoe and my Little Gumshoe in the Food Court. As I mow through my pretzel bites, I reflect on why I feel so disgusted. Oh! Now I remember...
No...I don't want you to stare at me creepily while I peruse your Halloween costumes
No...I don't want to dress my baby like a mini devil or serial killer
No...I don't want to be stuck walking behind a 14 year old girl whose shorts are so short I feel like I need to cover LG's eyes
No...I don't want to get 1 pretzel for the price of 5 pretzels. That is not a good deal.
No...I don't want a fake cigarette and neither does my 11 month old
No...I don't want to "keep it real" and if you ask me again, I will have Gumshoe keep it real by punching you
No...I don't want to save 15% by signing up for a J.C. Penney credit card
I said no...I don't want to save 15% by signing up for a J.C. Penney credit card
The answer is still no...I don't want to save 15% by signing up for a J.C. Penney credit card
6 comments:
three fans.
Watch out...I'm up to 3 now!
4! You are too funny Jess. You will just love this story: My mom and I were at the mall last year, and we ordered a pretzel at the food court. The kid put the pretzel on the counter as I'm paying (with my mom right next to me) and some guy walks by next to my mom, sneaks his hand in, and STEALS THE PRETZEL. He proceeds to walk over to the other side of the mall (the pretzel stand was on the end-next to Macy's so he was on the other side of those middle opening things in the center of the mall) and watch us as he takes bites with a smug look on his face. He was probably in his 40's and a total creep. That place is shady.
5!and what a great story,thanks for giving me ideas for Christmas gifts,lol!
oak park mall is hellish...hate that place.
also, BTdubs, we saw your hubby on the news last night!
6. You are freaking hilarious.
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